somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
