I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
