The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We named our party play list daddy issues
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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