I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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