I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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