The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
