I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
