I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
