i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
