Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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