You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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