Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
