dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
