did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
