Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
