so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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