I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
