I just pynch a tree in the face
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
