she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
