He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize