i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
