So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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