the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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