New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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