Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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