Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
