if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
