Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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