She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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