he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
