i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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