No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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