I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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