Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
