I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
