2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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