I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
