Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
