Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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