Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I FOUND THE LEGS
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
