If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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