Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
