there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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