i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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