so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize