Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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