Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
