Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
