You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
