Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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