My room smells like vodka and shame
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
