20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
