around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
