the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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