Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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