Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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