I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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