I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
